Love vs. Lust

“Certain things capture your eye, but pursue only those that capture your heart.” Indian Proverb

What’s up Wine Tribe!

Just like we do it on podcasts, I had to spill this tea on relationships. Served hot or cold, it never gets old…LOL!

For this month’s dish, I wanna chat with you about “Love or Lust”! I love the proverb above because though it’s very short, it speaks volume when you analyze it closely. It truly speaks to valuing love over lust. Society often portrays choosing what looks good versus what feels good.

But, isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder? Have we really become people who only want to be stimulated visually?? Do people still want to feel that flutter in your heart and butterflies in your stomach? What happened to that Cliff and Claire Huxtable love?? I want that old thing back!!

21st Century Relationships ~ Relationships seem so superficial these days. Is that possibly because I’m so “old school” as it pertains to relationships? We see time and time again in both the celebrity and non-celebrity world, people swapping out significant others like hair weaves. I dare say it’s because we always “see” something that looks better. Whether they look better physically or financially, we tend to jump ship because the grass “looks” greener on the other side. It’s such an unhealthy state of mind and one that I dare say causes an impact to so many of our self esteems, both male and female.

Love ~ Do we even want love anymore? Do we even know what it means to love anymore? It really does grow rather exhausting to consider it at times. Love is defined as an intense feeling or deep affection. Okay grab your favorite glass of wine…maybe the bottle because this will possibly get deep. To contemplate or even contend to know what it means to love takes a lot of thought. Who has shown us how to love? How well did we receive these instructions on love? Was it healthy and in whose eyes was it healthy? Oh my goodness the questions could go on like a CVS receipt…LOL! It’s my perspective that we often mishandle love because we really do not take the time to sort through our emotions to be honest with ourselves about what we are truly feeling. We jump from relationship to relationship without taking the time to really assess what the hell happened to cause the last one to end. You have your miserable single friends saying chi…the best way to get over your last dude is to be underneath the next dude. OMG!!!! This is the best advice you can take…NOT! <eye roll> So often we do not want to take the time to feel the pain we are enduring and take the time needed to heal emotionally before moving on to try our hand at love again. I’ve made this mistake far too many times. I’m so over it! Perhaps you are too..

Our 1st Love ~ Who has shown us how to love first plays a major role in how we as adults show love to our significant other, friends, and children. This is no slight to anyone’s parenting style; however, we all have some dysfunctional learned behaviors from our childhood, unfortunately. Single parenting, staying in unhealthy relationships for the sake of the children, providing our children more punishment over praise…ummmm I could ramble but I won’t.

Hypocrisy in Love ~ Just off the bat, the “Do as I say and not as I do” parenting style. What does this really teach….other than hypocrisy?? As an adult, it often impacts how you raise your children and how you treat your significant other. For me, after I divorced I was very skeptical about bringing anyone around my children because I didn’t want to paint the wrong impression being a mom. I didn’t want my children to see Tom last week, Dick this week, and Harry next week. I also did not want to bring people around too soon and they form an attachment with someone who may not stay around. Seemed logical and best at the time. However, I now see that my children didn’t get the benefit of seeing my love language inside of relationships. It also possibly gave the appearance of me being “sneaky”.

Relationship Expectations ~ Inside of a relationship, this can translate into having expectations from your partner that you do not exhibit or offer. I want my man’s baby momma to respect our relationship but you are all in yo baby daddy’s business. I want a loyal woman who’s not been passed around but you have more bodies than a New York cemetery and about as loyal as a 30 second ad. Go sit down! We need to practice the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you…PERIOD! We need to be on some Anita Baker shit....giving Good Love and Giving You the Best I Got!

Lust ~ The songs, the commercial ads, the videos, the books. Can you name much of anything now that does not lure you in with the lust of the eyes? I almost get moist just thinking about these things….<wipes brow, licks lip, and squeezes legs>…LOL!!!! Lust is defined as a very strong sexual desire. Grab your composure cuz Ima try to contain mine. This could get slippery..hehehe!!!!

The Eyes Have it ~ Keeping it real, we are people who enjoy the sense of sight. When we shop for clothes, furniture, food, and yes even people….we want what’s visually appealing. I can’t say that I disagree with this concept in and of itself; however, my perspective is that the challenge is presented when you ONLY make a decision based upon visual perception. Most do not seek to wear something that looks bazaar. Who would select a dessert off of the menu if it didn’t look good? I believe looks should be left to a portion of our first perception. Like, oooo that’s a sharp pair of shoes but how do they look on my feet and with my outfit? Or, yaassss that 6-layer chocolate cake looks great but how does it taste? You first see it but you then need to experience it.

Your perception is Your Reality ~ In relationships, far too often we want the guy with muscles, tall, dark and handsome. Or the girl with pretty hair, a pretty smile, and banging body. We give so much thought to how well we look or photograph together but very little thought to how well our personalities complement each other or how well we communicate. Give me substance, people!!!! This is the epitome of starting relationships with the wrong foundation which in most cases is the recipe for a failed relationship. <Snaps fingers!!!!>

Lustful Songs ~ You can go back as far as The Commodores’ “Brick House” or as recent as Megan Thee Stallion’s “Body”. Now, don’t get me wrong Ima shake a tail feather to boffum…Ahem…I digress. For the moment, I need to use these songs as examples. Let’s dissect some lyrics..shall we?

Brick House Lyrics ~ And out the gate, we have “Ow she’s a brick house, She’s mighty mighty just letting all hang out.” Through the middle, “How can she lose with the stuff she use?, 34-26-36 ow what a winning hand!” Bring it home fellas, “shake it down, shake it down, shake it down down!” You know good and well you have to “see” the shake it down cuz that’s when she's gonna knock a strong man to his knees!! Now, she’s stacked up right in many opinions but is she intelligent? Is she loving and nurturing? Do you care now that you’ve seen all of what she was letting hang out? LOL! I love music so please don’t get your undies in a bunch. I’m just using some of my favs for illustration purposes. And don’t think I didn’t see you singing and two-stepping…LOL!

Body Lyrics~ Ladies start your engine, “Body crazy, curvy, wavy, big tittiess, lil waist. See me in that dress and he feel like he almost tasted that…ah ah ah!” Land that plane Megan, “The category is body, look at the way it’s sittin, (yeah). That ratio is so out of control, that waist, that azz, them tittiess. I could build a house with all that brick I got (yeah)!” If this doesn’t paint a visual I don’t know what will.

The Commercials ~ You have the sling commercial, the Burger King commercial, and while very apropos, the lube commercial. For the sake of time, please look them up. Now-a-days you can’t even sell food without sexually laced visual enuendos. For all ages, it creates the lust of the eyes making it difficult to focus on much else.

The temptation is REAL! ~ Being single or in a relationship is not for the weak. It’s no wonder it’s hard for single people to commit and a struggle for the committed people to stay committed. Hell, it was hard for me to stay focused on writing this blog after listening to both songs..LOL! Too often our value system has the wrong foundation. We are short-sighted in that we don’t choose to look past what’s eye catching versus what should capture the heart.

Closure ~ I challenge you to get you a man who sees the beauty in your mind versus in your behind. The woman who sees the strength in your character versus the way you carry her. If longevity in relationships are what you are looking for, here are my suggestions:

1. Unconditional love - love that says I love you even if… vs. I love you if. Now keep in mind I said unconditional love not indefinite relationships. The two MUST NOT be confused. I can love you but sometimes it may have to be from afar because you don’t know how to act.

2. Loyalty - I’ll ride for you when you will die for me cuz I can’t do both…ride and die!

3. Understanding - Listening with an open mind. As well as being open and receptive to the idea of compromising for the sake of both of you.

4. Honesty - Telling the truth even if it may not feel good. Doing so lovingly and tastefully will go a long way.

5. Respect ~ Valuing each other and complying with each other’s boundaries.

Okay, I’ve given you the best that I got <in my Anita Baker raspy song voice>. I hope you have learned, enjoyed, or have been provoked in your thinking. Share your comments! The box was added with your thoughts in mind. I’m out of here. PEACE & BLESSINGS to you, Wine Tribe!